MARCH 12 - So, boys and girls, your SPM results are coming out today. Very good, very good.
You know, it wasn't that long ago that I took my SPM. Almost 20 years ago, actually. Anyway, back in my day, we had to walk 20 miles to school while carrying 30 books just to do nine subjects.
Then, TV only had RTM1, RTM2 and TV3. The boys dreamt of Wan Zaleha and the girls dreamt of McGuyver and both of them had the same hairstyle.
These days, you don't have to walk so far. You probably don't have to carry as many books either.
Because the schools are "smarter" now, eh?
You have computers, multimedia projectors, tablets, notebooks, laptops, CD-ROMs, DVDs, Internet, phone camera porn. Most schools have these things, we hear.
Even those that don't have electricity or running water. It must be fun. You also get to do more than nine subjects. Up to 20 even. That's a lot of learning.
Actually, maybe you do carry more books these days. That's probably why school bags have wheels on them now.
Anyway, the day has come for you to get your results. For the vast majority of you, this would be the bookend of your school days.
You'll never have to wear that uniform again. For a small number of you, you might get another two years of uniform-wearing. Either way, things will never be the same again.
For the next five years or so, you'll be hearing people tell you that you are the "Future Leaders Of The Nation" much more than when you were in school. It's banal and condescending, especially if it comes from politicians.
They don't want you to lead, they want you to follow. Politicians are liars. Well, most of them are anyway. At least 73.46 per cent of them, at the last count.
Some of you will be celebrating your results, especially those who targeted 27 As and got most, if not all, of them. That's great! Your tuition teachers must be delighted. Now, let's hope you get a chance to actually start learning.
Some of you will be disappointed because you didn't get what you (or what your parents or tuition teachers) aimed for. That's okay. No, really. In about 10 years' time, no one will care. Especially not you.
Hopefully, most of you will get to enter university. It's a very exciting time. You may think that nothing could top your school days, but take it from someone who stayed in university for nearly a decade, university days are the best days!
For one thing, people like to pretend that you're grown up (since you would someday be "Future Leaders Of The Nation") and occasionally even allow you to behave like grown-ups. For another, you get to party like there's no tomorrow because while you may be "grown up", you still don't have to earn a living.
Some of you might get into "campus politics". If you're in a local university, this is more akin to being in a social club than any kind of Future Leader training. Also, a small number of you involved in campus politics will actually acquire Socialist leanings.
This is normal because there will always be "politically aware" university students who are idealistic, tree-hugging, whale-mooching, commie wingnuts. You'll grow out of it eventually, though hopefully some of you will remain that way. The nation needs more nutjobs like you. It'll be better than the bunch of lying, self-serving gormless lot that we've got today.
Not all of them are lying, self-serving gormless reprobates, obviously. Some of them are much worse, though there are some good ones, too. About 6.49 per cent of them, last we checked.
However, in local campus politics, the majority of you will align yourselves with either a "pro-government" or a "pro-opposition" group.
I've no idea what those are, in all honesty, and most probably, neither will you. But you'll get to learn how to do "protests" and "demos", which are such important skills for local politics today.
You can, for example, protest against having mixed-race boarding; or against having any other race in your university, even.
You can also be part of a moral police, guarding the purity and sanctity of your campus by vigilantly watching out for couples making out behind shrubs, catching them after you've seen the "money shot", obviously.
If you're amongst the fortunate ones who get to go to a foreign university, good for you.
There'll be many clubs you can join, like Kelab Umno, Kelab Pas, Kelab MCA, Kelab MIC, Kelab DAP, and so on. In my humble opinion, though, avoid those clubs.
They're usually lousy with self-serving, gormless students who think that they're the Future Leaders Of The Nation. Join the gang that always goes to the night clubs and pubs, instead. They're much more fun.
But anyway, for most of you, university would be where you study to get a degree that would, to a certain extent, decide for you what you would be doing for the rest of your working life.
If somewhere in the middle of your university course, you think that what you're doing may not be right for you, have the courage to switch to something else, even if it means you lose a few years. It's not a big deal, and better to lose some years than to regret not doing something for the rest of your life.
If you can, get to see the world a bit. Travel to other countries, and not just to their beach resorts. Go to former war zones. No, not Afghanistan or Gaza or Iraq.
There are much nearer places like Cambodia and Vietnam. Ambon and Mindanao, even. Check India out, maybe. Go to Europe, Africa, the Americas too. In fact, just travel as much as you can. It often helps bring perspective. If you can't, it's not a big deal. You might still get to do it when you're much older.
Speaking of being older, I'm sure you're often told that wisdom accrues with age, and that you lack experience because you're still young.
Well, experience is mainly recognising your mistakes when you make them again. And looking at our Current Leaders Of The Nation, I'm not so sure about the wisdom bit either.
Finally, note that most advice given to you will be useless. They're usually given by most people who wished they'd listened to the very advice they're dishing out. Use what you can, ignore the rest. Some mistakes in life you just need to make yourselves.
How do I know these things? Well, I'm older than you. Just keep breathing, and you might get here some day too. So, all the best, ladies and gentleman, Future Leaders Of The Nation. May you make it a better place, for all our sakes.
