| Symptom | Fault | Action Required |
| Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. | Glass empty. | Find someone who will buy you another beer. |
| Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. | Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. | Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. |
| Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling. |
| Feet warm and wet. | Improper bladder control. | Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. |
| Floor blurred. | You are looking through bottom of empty glass. | Find someone who will buy you another beer. |
| Floor swaying. | Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. | Insert broom handle down back of jacket. |
| Floor moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. |
| Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and florescent light strip across it | You have fallen over backward. | If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar. |
| Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. | You have fallen forward. | See above. |
| Everything has gone dark. | The Bar is closing. | Panic. |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. | Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. | Cover mouth. |
| You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. | You have spent the night in the gutter. | Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in |
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